Once you have made contact with someone through email that you think shows some promise, it’s time to think about the next step. Once you feel comfortable with someone in email and possibly in chat, it’s time for a phone conversation.

Is it really important to talk on the phone before you meet? Some people think it is, some people think it isn’t. It’s a good idea just because it is one more process that you can use to weed out someone before you are trapped on a date with that person.

You may have gotten wonderful romantic emails from this person but you don’t know how long it took that person to write the emails, or even if they wrote the emails or if someone else wrote them instead. It’s easy to sound witty and clever and romantic in an email.

When you are talking on the phone with a person, you can tell if that person has decent social skills and can carry on a conversation. The other person may have spent hours writing the emails that turned your head, but when you talk to that person and have a real conversation, you will know if the person is really as funny and witty and clever as the emails made him or her seem.

Talking on the phone will also help you get a better sense of what the other person is really like. It’s difficult to decide if you want to date someone based only on words on a screen. You need to hear the other person’s voice and how they speak in order to know if you’re really interested in meeting them.

Plus, talking on the phone gives you a chance to be more comfortable with that person before you meet for the first time. If someone really wants to meet you but doesn’t want to talk on the phone, it might be a red flag that the person is a bully or worse.

It’s your choice whether you want to talk on the phone with a potential date before meeting him or her in real life but many online dating experts agree that it’s a good idea for many reasons.

So once you have emailed a few times and you feel like there is potential with a particular person, email that person and ask him or her If they agree it’s time for that first phone call and set up a “phone date.”

Some signs that someone might not be a person that you want to have a relationship with are very subtle and may not really come through until you have exchanged a few emails or talked on the phone a few times and are really starting to get to know each other. Here are some clues that your new dating partner might be hiding something from you, like a spouse.

“Don’t call me, I’ll call you” – If you only have one phone number to use to contact your date and he or she says that you should only use that number in case of an emergency or if you call the number and it always goes straight to voicemail, that is not a good sign. Even if the person is not hiding something you should not always have to wait for the other person to call when it’s convenient for him or her.

Calling at odd hours – If your date can only talk to you after 3 AM, or after 8 AM, or calls randomly throughout the day but hangs up quickly, your date might be trying to hide phone calls to you from a spouse or another date.

Staying in all the time – If all of your dates consist of take out and movies at your place then your date might be scared that his or her spouse or someone who knows both of them might see you two out at a restaurant or movie.

Movie and take out dates can be a lot of fun, but if that’s all the two of you ever seem to do then there might be a reason your date wants to stay in all the time.

Also, if the person you’re dating doesn’t want his or her friends to meet you or resists the idea of parties or other group gatherings, it could be that your new date is trying to hold an old spouse.

No family talk – When people are getting to know one another they usually will talk about their families. If your date is hesitant to discuss family details, he or she may be afraid that they will slip up and mention a spouse.

Bring out a photo album of your family and while you are showing off pictures, ask your date if he or she has any family photos that you can see. If the date says no or seems uncomfortable, he or she might be hiding something.

Unwilling to bring you home – If you always meet at your house and the other person seems reluctant or unwilling to take you to his or her place, it could be because there is someone else at home that they don’t want you to know about.

If your new partner is already married or is living with someone and is in a serious relationship then there will be a lot of signs that might give away that fact.

Not everyone that you meet through an online dating service is going to be player, or a jerk, or someone who isn’t interested in finding a long term relationship but some of them definitely are. You need to be wary of dating a new person just like you would be if you were meeting someone to date in a more traditional way.

Just like when you meet someone in a more traditional way, there will be clues that the other person is hiding something from you or that something is just not right on their end. The person might be married, might be just looking for sex, or might just have his or her own agenda and not really be interested in relationships. There are a lot of reasons that people might use an online dating service even if they are not that interested in a relationship.

It’s important to stress that you are not more likely to end up having a player answer your online dating ad than you are likely to meet one in a bar or somewhere else. Players are everywhere, and if you are not looking for a serious relationship then that might be the perfect partner for you.

But if you are looking for a serious relationship, it would be upsetting to start dating someone and start to develop feelings for that person only to find out that the person is married, emotionally unavailable, or just a jerk that isn’t really worth your time.

Usually, you don’t have to wait to find out if your online date is a player, a jerk, or has some issues. There are always clues in the person’s profile that will let you know what the person is really like. If the profile seems fine then read carefully through the email that he or she sent to you.

When you are reading the other person’s words, look closely for phrases that might indicate trouble. Language that seems overly bitter, hostile, or mean is a red flag that the person might have anger issues. Giving out too much personal information, like listing the medications they are taking, can also be a red flag.

Let’s look at some of the other red flags that should tell you that you need to be wary of someone when you’re trying online dating.

RED FLAGS

Even the most sophisticated player will leave clues to their intentions somewhere in their online communication. Some will be very blatant, and some will be subtle and much harder to spot. Here are some of the most common situations you will find online that should always raise red flags in your mind.

Not everyone who sets off a red flag is going to be someone that is trying to deceive you, but it’s better to be safe than sorry. Here are some red flags that you should spot right away.

TOO MUCH, TOO FAST

“Wow! As soon as I saw your photo I knew you were the one for me! You are fabulous! Are you smart? You sound smart too. I bet our children will be gorgeous and smart. Won’t we make a great family? Let’s meet as soon as possible. I just know you’re the one for me!”

If you receive an email from someone in response to your online profile and the person starts talking about how he or she fell in love with your photo, or knew from the words that you wrote that you two were meant to be, or uses other language that indicates the person has a great depth of feeling for you, this is a red flag.

Using language like that is inappropriate for a first email and indicates that the person might not be completely stable. Delete the email or reply with a simple “Thank you, but I’m not interested.”

BAD LANGUAGE AND GRAMMAR

“ RU usd to dating online? I have never done it much. It seeks pretty kool so far but hu nows? U should rite back soon so we can get to now each other better”

Now everyone makes mistakes, at times, when typing and not everyone majored in English in college, but if you receive an email from someone that is full of curse words and has a lot of glaring grammar mistakes and misused words, that is a red flag.

Regardless of the person’s education level, you don’t want to be with someone who can’t express him or herself without using curse words or using words incorrectly. It says that the person isn’t going to be able to communicate well in a relationship.

Sending emails full of mistakes also says that the person either doesn’t know how to use a spell check or doesn’t care enough to use it. Either way, someone who puts little or no effort into making a good first impression isn’t someone that you would want to date.

GRAPHIC EMAILS

“I’m very into alternative lifestyles, are you? I really like to explore boundaries. Have you been with a lot of people in the past? What kinds of things are you into? We should go out and talk about some of our interests. There’s a club in town having a bondage night next week; let’s go to that and you should wear some leather. I bet you’d look hot in it!”

If the first email that you get from someone is full of sexual innuendo or asks a lot of very personal questions about sex and your sexual preferences, that is a huge red flag.

Someone who is really interested a relationship with you would never ask those kinds of questions. Obviously, someone whose first email to you is full of graphic language is only looking for one thing. Delete those emails immediately unless that is the kind of relationship you’re looking for.

The email doesn’t have to be graphic to make you uncomfortable. Any email that asks any questions that seem overly invasive or personal to you should just be deleted.

TOO MUCH INFORMATION

“So anyway I was just laid off from my job as a CSR and I’m not quite sure how I’m going to swing rent this month. Good thing I don’t have my kids for a few weeks because I’m not sure I’ll have anyplace for them to sleep. Ha ha! But I’d really like for us to meet, although you might have to pay for dinner because I’m pretty broke right now. If this sounds good to you write me back!”

Anyone that writes you a book length email detailing all their problems with their job, ex-spouse, kids, life in general, health problems, financial problems, or other negative things is not someone you want to date. Anyone that gives out too much personal information in their first email is someone you should avoid.

BULLYING

“I sent you an email over an hour ago but you haven’t responded so I’m sending another. I think we should get together tonight. I want to meet in person right away so that neither of us wastes time if there’s no chemistry. Chemistry is very important to me so we should meet tonight, or tomorrow, to find out if we have it or not. I don’t want to waste my time. So call me or email me back immediately please so we can set up a time and place to meet. “

Anyone that sends an email like that to you should be ignored. Clearly, this person is not interested in you at all, and doesn’t care about your thoughts or feelings. The language also shows a very dominant, controlling nature, which is definitely something you want to avoid in a relationship.

Even though you might want to try and give everyone a chance, this type of an email is too big a red flag to ignore. Delete the email. Don’t even respond to the person.

ASKING FOR TOO MUCH PERSONAL INFORMATION

“So let’s get things started huh? What’s your full name? Where do you live? Do you own or rent? Let’s go out to dinner. I’ll call ahead and make reservations but they might require a credit card number to hold the reservation and I don’t have a credit card. Can we use yours? Send me your credit card number, expiration date and security code and I’ll make the reservation. I’ll pay for dinner, but I was planning to pay with cash. Send that info to me ASAP so I can make the reservation before they fill up!”

Anytime that someone asks for any personal information but especially personal financial information, you know that person is up to no good.

No one that really wants to date you is going to ask you for your financial history or your credit card or bank account information. This is a new twist on the classic scam of making a date with someone and then “forgetting” to bring a wallet with cash or a credit card.

It’s been said before but it’s worth repeating. Never give out your personal information online, especially financial information. If you are really concerned or if you want to be sure that the person writing you is trustworthy before you date them, consider having a background check done. You can have a background check done online if you know the person’s name and address. It’s an inexpensive way to get some peace of mind.